Budget Day - Bionic Granny (Commodore 64)

And finally, as if to show that my day hasn't all been fun and games (well, OK, it has been all games), I thought I'd play what is considered to be one of the biggest abominations in computer games history... Bionic Granny.

If you haven't played it before, and I hadn't, then you aren't prepared for the horrors that lie in wait.  This is truly a throwback to the days when software companies would take anything that loaded and throw it upon an unsuspecting public.  There weren't many reviews mags around in the early days, and they were a little afraid of upsetting software companies, so it was common for poor games to sell way more than they deserved, as nobody knew any better.

Bionic Granny is one such game.

Having said that, I'm pretty sure that nothing could have persuaded me to part with my cash for this.  It's not like they could have had great screenshots on the back of the box.  No amount of mocking up could make this look decent.

Don't go near her, kids. She's a nasty old crone.

The story, too, is shockingly bad.  But I can see why it might have appealed to people under the age of twelve.  I'll quote directly from the title screen, if I may:

"IT'S NEARLY FOUR O' CLOCK AND TIME FOR THE KIDS TO COME HOME FROM SCHOOL.

YOU'R A BIONIC GRANNY AND ARE WAITING OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL TO HIT THE KIDS AS LEAVE.

SOME WILL WALK DOWN THE ROADS BUT OTHERS WILL TRY TO EVADE YOU BY KEEPING OFF THE ROADS.

DON'T LET THE LOLLIPOP LADY THROW LOLLIPOPS AT YOU."

Go on, lollipop lady... get in there and belt her one!

Alright... if you were a granny and were lucky enough to be bionic, why the hell would you use those powers to hit schoolkids on their way home?  Wouldn't you rather be rescuing cats or baking awesome scones, or something?

Also, the instructions say "don't let the lollipop lady throw lollipops at you".  Good luck with that... she roams around the top of the screen flinging them as though her life depended on it.  And as whatever bionic feature you are installed with has the disadvantage of rendering you unable to move forwards or backwards, there's not really much you can do to stop her.

In fact, there's no evidence that this granny is bionic at all... the lollipop lady is substantially quicker than her.  I think she's just a cantankerous old biddy who takes pleasure from whacking kids.  There's a place for menaces like that... and it provides free room and board at Her Majesty's pleasure.

Mad old bat needs locking up.

If the game had any semblance of fun or ironic humour to it, you maybe wouldn't mind.  But it's appalling.  You just toddle about at the bottom of the screen, hoping one of the homebound kids happens to meander into your stick, which will score you points.  There's no comedy, no entertainment, no fun.  It's a horrible piece of software, and if budget games had continued in this vein then the industry would have been in a horrible place indeed.

Fortunately, it became a breeding ground for real talent, as you've seen from today's posts.  We were blessed with imaginative, entertaining and enjoyable games, some of which were very ambitious, some of which were better than many full-priced games.  That era of pocket money games was pretty special, and we never saw it's like again.  We should think ourselves lucky for what we had... the kids of today may be spoiled, but they've missed out on one of the most memorable chapters of gaming history.

Budget Day - Jason's Gem (ZX Spectrum)

My search for previously unplayed games takes me to many places.  However, sometimes the games I find aren't particularly suitable for blog posts.  Sometimes they're too complicated to get into, or sometimes they're just too bland to write anything interesting about.  I play a lot of games looking for good blog fodder.

Jason's Gem has been sitting on my "to play" list for a couple of years now.  I've meant to play it and never got round to it.  That's partly because I've never played it before, and I've tended to see the name at times when I've needed a quick post.  To write about a game that's new to you, you need a bit of time.  Fortunately, today I've had some.

Aaaargh! My eyes!

The first screen of Jason's Gem is annoying and completely unnecessary.  Your spaceship glides down the screen, and you must land on a moving platform to pick up some cargo.  It's never specified what this cargo is, so unless it's your ship's laser then this irritating screen could have been left on the drawing board.

Having successfully completed this screen, I was horrified to find myself in a Lunar Lander/Caverns of Mars type of game.  Jason must not only pilot his craft to the bottom of the cave, he has to shoot his way through.  This is very difficult... you don't have much time to react and you need to be pixel perfect when moving through gaps.  To make it worse, you can leave a screen in such a position that you die instantly on the next.

That's ridiculous. Did the writers of Galaxy Quest invent this room?

Should you reach the bottom of the cave, Jason exits the ship to go exploring the cave in an attempt to find his missing gem.  I'll tell you what, that must be one hell of a gem because those caverns are terrifying!  Too terrifying for me... I was unable to negotiate my way to the end.

Jason's Gem is alright for a £1.99 game, but certainly not as good as its average rating on World of Spectrum.  I could certainly imagine myself persevering with it in 1985... it would have held up much better back then.  Now, though, it's a bit too obtuse to stick with.

Budget Day - Nonterraqueous (ZX Spectrum)

Time for a game I've never played before, despite always wanting to... the rather majestically named Nonterraqueous.

It's certainly a name that sticks with you.  Whether it was one of your favourite games or you only read a review, the chances are that if you've ever heard of it, reading this article will ring a small bell in the back of your brain.

Look, it's a bermb.  A bermb?  Yes, a bermb.

I first read about Nonterraqueous in ZZAP! 64, where it was given a lukewarm reception and a 48% review score.  As the Spetrum version seems to be more highly regarded, I thought I'd give that one a try today.  Fingers crossed...

The plot of the game sees a nightmarish future come true.  An evil computer has developed a superior intelligence and is using this to oppress the people that built it.  In an attempt to wrest back their lives and their freedom, the people have constructed a robot seeker droid and have sent it to locate the computer base and destroy it!

Now I'm a sproing helicoptery thing.  Wheeeee!

This isn't an easy task... the game is massive, with over a thousand screens!  So many screens for only £1.99... that would have been pretty much my ideal game in 1986.

My first play lasted seconds, as I absent-mindedly blundered into a photon thruster and died instantly.  Harsh!  Armed with this useful information, I set about my task with a little more caution.

White lines.  Don't do it.

As you make your way around the complex, you'll find bombs lying around, and it would be rude not to pick them up (also silly, as they'll be used to destroy the computer, no doubt).  You'll also notice "SWOP" machines, where you can change your form.  I'm sure this will be very useful in places... I've only done it so far because it looks nice.

Nonterraqueous brings to mind a number of similar games, such as Starquake and Arc of Yesod.  Having played it for a while, I don't think it really comes close to matching those classics.. the main problem being that you start every game on the same screen.  Randomising your starting position would have helped a lot, with so many screens to explore.  But there's undoubtedly a massive challenge here, and a lot of playtime for your couple of quid.

Budget Day - Kane (Commodore 64)

Boys love playing at being cowboys.  I'm no exception.  The (fairly) recent Red Dead Redemption allowed me to live out those Wild West fantasies in full, riding a horse around glorious barren landscapes in glorious sunsets, playing poker with the boys and taking down the bad guys.  Great stuff.

Of course, there have been cowboy games for almost as long as there have been games.  Possibly the earliest example was the arcade game Boot Hill, where you faced off against an opponent in a one-to-one shootout.  I loved playing against my dad on that game... we would later replicate it at home with Atari's Outlaw.

Anyone fancy a stir fry tonight?

Another of my favourite early Wild West games was Mastertronic's budget effort, Kane.  Written by John Darnell, who would later be responsible for classics such as Star Paws and Escape from Singe's Castle, it was owned (in one form or another) by probably everyone I knew.  We all thought it was a classic, although that might just have been because it was one of the first games we owned!

It was easy to be impressed by Kane, though.  For a start, the main sprite was basically Agent 4125 from Impossible Mission, in a cowboy hat.  And as the good agent was one of the best characters in computer games at the time, that was no bad thing.  The first level saw you shooting ducks with a bow and arrow, and they let out a rather pained sampled squawk when hit.  For a budget game, this first level alone made you sit up and take notice.

Other levels had just as much to impress.  The second and fourth levels feaured a very nicely animated horse... hey, it didn't take much to catch your eye in those days!  That said, those horse-jumping levels were a bit repetitive, and if you fell off in the wrong place you'd be stuck and your game would be over.

Peek-a-boo, I see you!  BLAM!

The third level saw Marshall McGraw, for he was the character you played, holed up in the town of Kane, with bad guys aplenty hiding out and hoping to take you down.  They'd appear in doorways, windows, up on rooftops or from behind barns.  If you weren't Quick Draw McGraw, they'd shoot you dead (or at least, dead enough to remove one of your lives).

Kane certainly had more than enough about it to keep us teens entertained for a good while.  Although it wouldn't have been great value at full price, it was a great little budget game, and it kept us occupied for many an evening whilst waiting for something else to roll into town.